Lily & Leo

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”– Rocky Balboa

Who wouldn’t want to see Leo wearing this going home from the hospital?

For a while now, I started to get confident in our situation with Leo and feel like I’m ready to handle whatever comes our way.  I avoided shopping for clothes and things for Leo because we didn’t know what to expect in terms of life expectancy, but as time progressed, it seemed like we will be able to have a life with him.  So I started to shop for Leo and allowing myself to get excited for his arriving, especially when I picture him wearing the cute little onesies and everything.  We started to make plans for his arrival like picking out the perfect outfit for him to wear for when he leaves the hospital and getting ideas for his baptism/1 month party.  It made me happy to be able to think about those things and plan, and even buying swaddles blankets for him was exciting for me!

Then last Wednesday night, I started to spot a little bit, and a little bit in the morning.  So I called my OBGYN and they asked if I was experiencing and cramping or contractions too, and I said I was.  So they suggested I come in to L&D (Labor and Delivery) to get monitored to make sure I’m not going to preterm labor.  After 2 hours of monitoring, they picked up 3 contractions and the doctor told me there’s a high chance that I can go into preterm labor as soon as a week, or 5 weeks, or just any time now!  She said that babies with chromosome disorders have very little chance of survival if born premature, and she told me to talk to my doctors to discuss the game plan for if I do go into preterm labor.  It was very shocking to hear, especially when she asked me if the situation arises, if I’m “prepared to watch my baby die on the screen”, or in the incubator, or in your arms, as our options if we go into preterm labor.  It was very harsh but I guess they have to be realistic and no sugar coat reality of things, so it was definitely hard to hear but I guess the reality is hard in general.  Sugar coating only misleads the heart, so even though it’s upsetting to hear, it had to be said I suppose.  It broke my heart to hear that there’s a high chance he might not make it now, I felt like we just can’t seem to catch a break from all this craziness.  Do we keep planning for a future with our son?  Or do we just put everything on pause in case the worst case scenario happens?  I was very torn and emotionally spent from everything, I needed time to just take in the news and reorganize my thoughts.  The doctors also suggest I stop going into work and so I’ll be working from home now until birth time.  Until then, I just have to keep Leo inside as long as possible and take it easy and hope the contractions don’t increase.  After a couple days of deep thinking, I decided to just keep having hope and proceed my plans for having a life with my son.  As each day passes with him still in my belly, it’s one day closer to a higher chance of his survival.  The phrase “Time is precious” never meant more to me until now.  We aren’t ready for you to come out yet Leo, you still have a lot of baking to do!

Yesterday I was very nervous going into Leo’s growth ultrasound.  The unknown is always scary, but luckily, after a long ultrasound session, it went well for the most part! He currently measures about 2lbs 14oz – 33% with a heart beat rate of 119bpm.  He is facing head down, so that’s a good sign for having a natural delivery, however if something comes up, a c-section is still a possibility.  They looked at his heart extensively and the Dr. said he’s concerned that one of his heart blood vessels might be dilated still, but it’s really hard to tell in the ultrasound, but if that’s the case, he’ll just need some extra treatment after birth.  Either way, Leo will most likely have a scan after he’s born anyways to take a better look at this heart and look at things that the ultrasound can’t pick up.  His stomach is still on the small side, which the doctor said is expected, but it’s not too much of a big issue yet.  Other than that, there are no new developments, which is a good thing.  Ultrasounds can’t detect every single birth defect, but at least for now, there’s no major issues that can be seen, and of course we won’t know what neurological issues he’ll have until he’s born as well.  So we just have to keep hoping for the minimal amount of issues possible.

Today I am 30 weeks and 1 day, and I had my doctor’s appointment with my OBGYN and Leo’s heart rate measured at 140 bpm (big jump from the day before) and my belly measured at 30.5cm.  Growth wise we are on track, which is a very good sign since they expected my belly to not be as big considering the circumstances, and the fact that I’ve only gained 2 pounds since my start weight.  But as long as baby is growing, that’s all that matters!  I’ll be going into my appointments every two weeks now, and in a month, I’ll have my next growth ultrasound and we will have a meeting with all the doctors, nursing staff, genetic counselor and doctor, and other members of the hospital staff from NICU department, etc. to go over the game plan for Leo’s arrival.  Around that time, I’ll be going in to L&D for fetal monitoring for an hour once a week as well to check up on Leo to make sure everything is okay in terms of amnio fluids, his heart rate, breathing, etc.  I am still getting about 6-8 random contractions a day, but at least it hasn’t increased in frequency.  So until then, I just have to relax and keep Leo inside as long as possible!  Stay in momma’s belly sweet Leo, at least 7 more weeks to go!  I am feeling hopeful, despite our new reality and scare from last week.  Also, during the ultrasound, Leo decides to be camera shy just like his sister, and didn’t want to show his face, so enjoy his lovely backside in the ultrasound images below!

30 Weeks Gestation

 “The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
Allan K. Chalmers

Journey to meet Leo continues…