Monthly Archives: October 2015
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015
I will never forget my angels and no matter how much time passes by, the pain does not hurt any less. I am able to function and go about my days okay, but on specials like this, I can’t help but feel sad and feel the pain like it was just yesterday. However, I am very grateful for days like this, October 15, because it’s not a day to grieve, but a day to honor my angels, and all the other angels that left us too soon. This day is for them, because they are special, they are loved, and they will always be remembered. 
Now that Lily is older, it’s harder to go about these things without trying to explain to her the purpose of our actions. When she saw the candles, she immediately asked if it’s her birthday. Not wanted to distort reality for her, I said no and that the candles are for mommy’s angels. She didn’t understand and just kept asking if it’s for her birthday. So I just ended up saying that we can sing happy birthday to her if she wants and she can blow out the candles, but the candles are still for our angels. She still didn’t understand who these angels were, but one day she will. Until then, she participated and I let her hold my hand while I lit the candles. Once they were lit, she asked if we can sing Happy Birthday, so we did. Unexpectedly though, during the song, I got overcome with emotion, and couldn’t sing the song without breaking down in tears. My angels never even got to celebrate a birthday, let alone a birth day. I was immediately filled with sadness and the pain flooded my heart like a broken dam. Lily saw me cry and tried to distract me by asking for candy, asking to eat a snack, asking to go somewhere else and do something so that I’m not just sitting there in my sadness. She is very intuitive, but sometimes, I just need those moments to just let it out, grieve, and then breathe again.
Earlier this year and end of last year, for a good while, I thought I’d have to light 3 candles this year for PILR day. I’m so grateful and overjoyed that it’s not the case, and that my precious Leo is truly a dream come true. Just like Lily, he is very special, but my experience with my pregnancy with him, and my journey to get here, makes me feel like he is proof that life is beautiful, and truly amazing. We learn to rise up from our sufferings, and become stronger, and better people. Life is too short, make the most of it and live. I choose to not let my hardships swallow me and pull me into the darkness. Although at times, the darkness does seem safe and comfortable, but it’s not living, it’s just being. I choose to be alive, and shine in the light, and make my angels proud of their mommy, and be the best person I can be for all my children. I dedicate my life to them, but also, to myself. I deserve to be happy, to be loved, and I will do so by loving my loved ones, and being kind and generous every chance I get. This world is not a vicious, cruel and evil place, it’s just filled with many obstacles, and we just need to fight through them and stay in the light.
I am truly grateful, and appreciative, for all the love and support I’ve received on this day. Just a simple act of lighting a candle, for the Wave of Light, can mean so much to a person in grief. This topic of loss is so taboo, and I wish it wasn’t so hush hush all the time. It makes the grieving process that much more painful, to feel so alone and lost. I’m happy that there’s a day like today to bring awareness to such a tragic life experience, but we are stronger together, than a part. It feels nice to belong and to be a part of a community. It’s sad that the commonality is such a heartbreaking event, but it brings comfort to me knowing that all our angels are in heaven, playing with one another. I can’t wait to meet them one day. I miss them terribly, but I will continue to strive, for them. I love you my angels.
Happy 4 Months Leo!
Happy 4 Months to me sweet little prince Leo! Leo weighs in at 11.25 pounds, stretches 23.5 inches, and head measures at 15.25 inches. He is still under 0 percentile but he is growing on his own curve and that’s the important thing. He is 5% in height so I’d say compare to his weight, he’s a tall boy! hehe. Leo has been having some dry skin and it’s too even all around to be excema so his pediatrician feels it’s probably related to his tet18p, so he recommended putting Aquafor on it. It really helped a lot and I think in a couple days his skin will go back to it’s super soft baby skin that everyone is so jealous over! Leo also had his hearing diagnostics again last week and I am happy to report that his hearing is now normal! He can now hear the low tones just fine and there’s just some remaining fluids in his ears. They suggested him see an Ear Nose Throat doctor but his pediatrician says he’s still pretty small so lets just wait it out a little longer and see if it’ll drain naturally.
Leo 16 Weeks
Leo 17 Weeks
Leo has been doing well in his therapy sessions, he’s had 3 so far. He is working on his motor skills and working on his reaching and grabbing skills. He is also working on tummy time to strengthen his neck as well. His therapist, Amy, said that development wise he is almost at the 4 month mark. We just need to continue working with him with, but overall he is doing great! He is cooing a lot more now compared to just a couple weeks ago! His voice is super cute!! Leo is very happy and calm and loves to play. Amy said he is a very social baby and loves people, especially his mommy! She said that I am his motivator and that he will always try to find me and see where I am, so I will be his toy and try to get him to look up at me during tummy time, and encourage him to push himself up to find me. He has been doing really well in terms of movement though, he almost rolled over from back to tummy all by himself! He is very good at rolling onto his side though. He likes to sleep on his side since we put him on his side to help him digest and in case he throws up, so I think he prefers that now. His feeding is improving a lot now too, he takes the bottle a lot quicker now and can finish it in about 20-30 mins now! Once in awhile it’ll still take him almost an hour, but he’s doing so much better. He occasionally throws up but now it’s down to maybe once a day instead of twice a day with some small spit ups in between. I’m so happy that he’s overcoming so many obstacles that are put in front of him. Leo is so amazing and strong, he is my inspiration! I’m so proud of him!!
Leo 4 Months Old
Lily has been such an amazing and wonderful loving sister as well. She always gives Leo kisses and has been doing really well with him being her new roomie too!! Lily is so silly and has such a big beautiful personality, I just love her to pieces!! Her current favorite shows on netflix and youtube are Octonauts, Masha and the Bear, Dragon Tales, and Peppa Pig. She also recently discovered Handy Manny and My Little Pony too. She loves strawberry and watermelon ice cream (aka frozen yogurt haha). She has a ginormous sweet tooth, I think that’s mommy’s fault…hehe…, and she is so sweet, helpful, and loving. She pretty much talks like a normal little person, it’s so amazing how big her vocabulary is. Sometimes she articulates certain spots in words that makes her sound like she has an accent, it’s super cute! Lily loves to cut and glue paper, paint, do lots of drawing and arts and crafts. She loves playing with bubbles, balls, and tools. She also likes books and reading stories out loud too. She loves to wearing dresses (particularly the “beautiful one with all the colors” that I made for her, and head bands as well. She is so bright and cheerful, her happiness just explodes from her little body. I love you so much Lily, you’re my amazing little Lily pad!
Enjoy some videos of the kiddos below!!
