Lily & Leo

It’s been 2 years since my heart and world was shattered, and here we are, 2 years later, and my heart is still in pieces.  The past couple weeks, I just keep thinking about what was going on 2 years, where my mind was, recollecting all the events leading up to this day… I don’t do it to relive the pain, I do it because I wanted to remember.  Some people may think that’s crazy but I know I’m not crazy, I’m just being a loving mommy.  I wanted to remember how much hope I had, even after the doctors told me that there was not chance and that I need to schedule a procedure, but I just kept hoping so hard, wishing and praying with all my might, that maybe some how, if I loved my babies so incredibly much, that they will come back to me and live again.  Even though I lost them in the end, it was a good feeling to have hope.  The hope of still possibly having a future with them, having an amazing life and sharing adventures and memories with them, naively kept me happy until the very end.  I think that’s probably what made the 2nd loss more painful, because I knew there wouldn’t be much hope once I found out, and the pain was just so unbearable because I knew that hope this time would not lead to a miracle.  The pain was immeasurable, and it will always remain, but I must remember, hope brings courage.  I can’t let fear of failure, loss, disappointment, or heartache, prevent me from pursuing my hopes and dreams in life.  That courage led me to my amazing prince Leo.  Leo is my sweet wonderful rainbow baby.  He does not replace my angels, or fill in the broken gaps of my heart from the losses, he brought my new life, and gave me a new heart that is stronger and better than before.  My broken heart remains for my angels, not to remind me of my sadness for them but to have them close, and in my heart even if it’s broken.  That makes me happy because they will always be a part of me.

As the years go by, it does get easier to live my life as normal as possible, but around these significant dates, I can’t help but feel the pain, just like it was yesterday.  It just comes back at random moments, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  It makes me feel close to them, and although I’m sad, I’m ok.  I think it’s natural to feel that way.  They taught me a lot about life, they gave me a new perspective and showed me what really matters.  I will try my best to live that life for them, and make them proud.

I designed this ring, as a keepsake I guess, of all my children.  The two center stones are Lily and Leo’s birthstones, alexandrite, and their names are engraved on the sides.  The two outer diamonds are for my two angels.  Lily and Leo’s birth stone is really cool because in certain lighting, it will have a certain color to it.  In most light settings the stones will look purple-ish red and then under very iridescent lighting, it’ll look more red, and in natural sunlight it’ll have more of a blueish teal color.  I love that it changes colors like that because I feel like my kids will constantly be growing and changing into amazing human beings and it just reminds me how nothing lasts forever, so cherish each moment.  However, they do say “diamonds are forever” and so they represent my angels the best.  This ring means so much to me, and is possibly my most valued piece of jewelry I own, because I feel like I’ll always have something beautiful to carry with me, that represents my darling loves.  I’m so happy that I got this made, and that I can look at it every day, and smile, and think of my kids.  This ring is unique, one of kind, and beautiful, just like all four of my children.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please join me in the Wave of Light and light a candle for my angels, and any other angels you may hold dear to your hearts.  I am very glad there is a day that is especially designated for them.