Category Archives: Wave of Light
Walk to Remember & Wave of Light 2016
The wonderful organization Forever Footprints puts together a 5k Walk to Remember every year in October (pregnancy and infant loss awareness month), in honor of all our babies who were now in heaven. They have been doing this for maybe 12 years now and this is my first year participating. It was an emotionally driven morning but it was very spiritually strengthening at the same time. They had a very beautiful and emotional memorial service and they called out all the angels names as well and you get a white rose for each angel. There was a memorial wall that had all the names of our angels on it’s well and it was just so amazing to see. 
A talented musician named Peter Brandon wrote and sang the most beautiful song called Brand New Wings in honor of our babies that really touched my heart and made me cry like a baby as well. This was the first time in 3 years that my angels got a memorial service, I don’t know why it took so long, but I finally got the courage to do it, especially with the help of my loved ones. Thanks everyone for all the love and support today at the 5k OC Walk to Remember in honor of my angels and all the other angels out there. I never got a chance to name my babies, I never even got to know their gender, but I always called them Angel1 and Angel2, and so that is their names, I will walk every year for Angel1 & Angel2 Ngo. “We walk the steps they never got to take.” I love you so much my angels, I hope I made you proud!
I love my angels and miss them so much, and on October 15th, we honor them in the Wave of Light. They will always be in my heart with every beat it takes. It’s always bittersweet for me on days like this because I’m sad from the pain and loss I feel from not having my babies here with me, but I know they are in a much better place looking down on me, protecting me and my loved ones, and guiding me through life. The pain never goes away, and honoring my angels is always hard to do, only because it always get swept with emotions. It’s hard for me to keep it together, but therapeutic and when I allow those emotions to come out, it’s therapeutic and I feel connected to my angels. I am so thankful for all the people in my life who lit candles for my angels and honored them with me. I love you my angels, so so much.
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015
I will never forget my angels and no matter how much time passes by, the pain does not hurt any less. I am able to function and go about my days okay, but on specials like this, I can’t help but feel sad and feel the pain like it was just yesterday. However, I am very grateful for days like this, October 15, because it’s not a day to grieve, but a day to honor my angels, and all the other angels that left us too soon. This day is for them, because they are special, they are loved, and they will always be remembered. 
Now that Lily is older, it’s harder to go about these things without trying to explain to her the purpose of our actions. When she saw the candles, she immediately asked if it’s her birthday. Not wanted to distort reality for her, I said no and that the candles are for mommy’s angels. She didn’t understand and just kept asking if it’s for her birthday. So I just ended up saying that we can sing happy birthday to her if she wants and she can blow out the candles, but the candles are still for our angels. She still didn’t understand who these angels were, but one day she will. Until then, she participated and I let her hold my hand while I lit the candles. Once they were lit, she asked if we can sing Happy Birthday, so we did. Unexpectedly though, during the song, I got overcome with emotion, and couldn’t sing the song without breaking down in tears. My angels never even got to celebrate a birthday, let alone a birth day. I was immediately filled with sadness and the pain flooded my heart like a broken dam. Lily saw me cry and tried to distract me by asking for candy, asking to eat a snack, asking to go somewhere else and do something so that I’m not just sitting there in my sadness. She is very intuitive, but sometimes, I just need those moments to just let it out, grieve, and then breathe again.
Earlier this year and end of last year, for a good while, I thought I’d have to light 3 candles this year for PILR day. I’m so grateful and overjoyed that it’s not the case, and that my precious Leo is truly a dream come true. Just like Lily, he is very special, but my experience with my pregnancy with him, and my journey to get here, makes me feel like he is proof that life is beautiful, and truly amazing. We learn to rise up from our sufferings, and become stronger, and better people. Life is too short, make the most of it and live. I choose to not let my hardships swallow me and pull me into the darkness. Although at times, the darkness does seem safe and comfortable, but it’s not living, it’s just being. I choose to be alive, and shine in the light, and make my angels proud of their mommy, and be the best person I can be for all my children. I dedicate my life to them, but also, to myself. I deserve to be happy, to be loved, and I will do so by loving my loved ones, and being kind and generous every chance I get. This world is not a vicious, cruel and evil place, it’s just filled with many obstacles, and we just need to fight through them and stay in the light.
I am truly grateful, and appreciative, for all the love and support I’ve received on this day. Just a simple act of lighting a candle, for the Wave of Light, can mean so much to a person in grief. This topic of loss is so taboo, and I wish it wasn’t so hush hush all the time. It makes the grieving process that much more painful, to feel so alone and lost. I’m happy that there’s a day like today to bring awareness to such a tragic life experience, but we are stronger together, than a part. It feels nice to belong and to be a part of a community. It’s sad that the commonality is such a heartbreaking event, but it brings comfort to me knowing that all our angels are in heaven, playing with one another. I can’t wait to meet them one day. I miss them terribly, but I will continue to strive, for them. I love you my angels.
Two Years Too Precious To Forget
It’s been 2 years since my heart and world was shattered, and here we are, 2 years later, and my heart is still in pieces. The past couple weeks, I just keep thinking about what was going on 2 years, where my mind was, recollecting all the events leading up to this day… I don’t do it to relive the pain, I do it because I wanted to remember. Some people may think that’s crazy but I know I’m not crazy, I’m just being a loving mommy. I wanted to remember how much hope I had, even after the doctors told me that there was not chance and that I need to schedule a procedure, but I just kept hoping so hard, wishing and praying with all my might, that maybe some how, if I loved my babies so incredibly much, that they will come back to me and live again. Even though I lost them in the end, it was a good feeling to have hope. The hope of still possibly having a future with them, having an amazing life and sharing adventures and memories with them, naively kept me happy until the very end. I think that’s probably what made the 2nd loss more painful, because I knew there wouldn’t be much hope once I found out, and the pain was just so unbearable because I knew that hope this time would not lead to a miracle. The pain was immeasurable, and it will always remain, but I must remember, hope brings courage. I can’t let fear of failure, loss, disappointment, or heartache, prevent me from pursuing my hopes and dreams in life. That courage led me to my amazing prince Leo. Leo is my sweet wonderful rainbow baby. He does not replace my angels, or fill in the broken gaps of my heart from the losses, he brought my new life, and gave me a new heart that is stronger and better than before. My broken heart remains for my angels, not to remind me of my sadness for them but to have them close, and in my heart even if it’s broken. That makes me happy because they will always be a part of me.
As the years go by, it does get easier to live my life as normal as possible, but around these significant dates, I can’t help but feel the pain, just like it was yesterday. It just comes back at random moments, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It makes me feel close to them, and although I’m sad, I’m ok. I think it’s natural to feel that way. They taught me a lot about life, they gave me a new perspective and showed me what really matters. I will try my best to live that life for them, and make them proud.
I designed this ring, as a keepsake I guess, of all my children. The two center stones are Lily and Leo’s birthstones, alexandrite, and their names are engraved on the sides. The two outer diamonds are for my two angels. Lily and Leo’s birth stone is really cool because in certain lighting, it will have a certain color to it. In most light settings the stones will look purple-ish red and then under very iridescent lighting, it’ll look more red, and in natural sunlight it’ll have more of a blueish teal color. I love that it changes colors like that because I feel like my kids will constantly be growing and changing into amazing human beings and it just reminds me how nothing lasts forever, so cherish each moment. However, they do say “diamonds are forever” and so they represent my angels the best. This ring means so much to me, and is possibly my most valued piece of jewelry I own, because I feel like I’ll always have something beautiful to carry with me, that represents my darling loves. I’m so happy that I got this made, and that I can look at it every day, and smile, and think of my kids. This ring is unique, one of kind, and beautiful, just like all four of my children.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please join me in the Wave of Light and light a candle for my angels, and any other angels you may hold dear to your hearts. I am very glad there is a day that is especially designated for them.
Wave of Light
Last year we lit 1 candle, now this year we light 2. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about my angels. They were only here for a little time but they brought a lot of joy and happiness to our lives. They forever changed my life, our life, and I am a better mother, and better person because of them. They taught me so much about compassion and love, and I will be forever grateful for them and how they’ve touched my heart so deeply.
So I invite you all today, on October 15th, to light a candle at 7pm, for at least an hour, and participate in the worldwide “Wave of Light” in observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day. So many people worldwide suffer the pain and loss of their lost babies, and too many do it in silence. The Wave of Light is a way to help spread awareness, to honor our angels, and to support all those grieving, since the grieving never ends, it is a part of who we are now. We will never forget our angels and the love and joy they brought to our lives in the brief time that they were here. I will light my candles for my angels, and all the other angels smiling down on us.
“We quickly find there are no words to describe the experience of losing a child. For those who have not lost a child, no explanation will do. For those who have, no explanation is necessary” ~ Mary Lingle
”The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss… and who have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen” ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
