Category Archives: My Angels
Walk to Remember & Wave of Light 2016
The wonderful organization Forever Footprints puts together a 5k Walk to Remember every year in October (pregnancy and infant loss awareness month), in honor of all our babies who were now in heaven. They have been doing this for maybe 12 years now and this is my first year participating. It was an emotionally driven morning but it was very spiritually strengthening at the same time. They had a very beautiful and emotional memorial service and they called out all the angels names as well and you get a white rose for each angel. There was a memorial wall that had all the names of our angels on it’s well and it was just so amazing to see. 
A talented musician named Peter Brandon wrote and sang the most beautiful song called Brand New Wings in honor of our babies that really touched my heart and made me cry like a baby as well. This was the first time in 3 years that my angels got a memorial service, I don’t know why it took so long, but I finally got the courage to do it, especially with the help of my loved ones. Thanks everyone for all the love and support today at the 5k OC Walk to Remember in honor of my angels and all the other angels out there. I never got a chance to name my babies, I never even got to know their gender, but I always called them Angel1 and Angel2, and so that is their names, I will walk every year for Angel1 & Angel2 Ngo. “We walk the steps they never got to take.” I love you so much my angels, I hope I made you proud!
I love my angels and miss them so much, and on October 15th, we honor them in the Wave of Light. They will always be in my heart with every beat it takes. It’s always bittersweet for me on days like this because I’m sad from the pain and loss I feel from not having my babies here with me, but I know they are in a much better place looking down on me, protecting me and my loved ones, and guiding me through life. The pain never goes away, and honoring my angels is always hard to do, only because it always get swept with emotions. It’s hard for me to keep it together, but therapeutic and when I allow those emotions to come out, it’s therapeutic and I feel connected to my angels. I am so thankful for all the people in my life who lit candles for my angels and honored them with me. I love you my angels, so so much.
Angel2’s 2nd Birthday
(PC: Google Images Joakim Kremer)
My dearest Angel2 Baby,
You would have been 2 years old yesterday…I’m sorry I’m a day late, I did not forget, I never would and I never will. I think about you all the time, not just on special days like yesterday. I’ve been thinking about what wish to give you all day long, but I couldn’t get myself to come up of something that’s good enough for you. I am trying my best to be happy and positive for you, but I find it very hard because I find myself engulfed in the sadness of losing you. As your birthday approaches, I keep telling myself that I’ll be fine this time, and that I’ll be ok. Yet I end up thinking about you, what you never got to be, what I never got to have with you, and it makes me cry. I think about the moment I lost you, because that’s my last moments with you, and the pain instantly floods my heart. Some people are naive and ignorant by thinking I can’t miss someone who was never even here, but for a couple months, you were here, with me, in my womb. All those happy feelings and love that I have for you, that you gave me, that was real and that is what I miss. I miss what I never got to experience with you, I miss all the all the hopes and dreams that I once had for you, I miss you my angel2. It pains me not to be able to celebrate your life you never had a chance to live with you, and it saddens me that my tears are what makes me feel closest to you. However, your love lives inside my heart and I will always feel your love knowing that you are watching over me. I’ll never stop missing you, the pain will never go away, until I finally meet you one day. Until then, I’ll keep missing you, and thinking of you, and loving you. Happy 2nd Birthday my precious angel2.
Love always and forever,
Your Mommy
Mother’s Day 2016
Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing mommies out there! Being a mom is definitely one of the hardest jobs I have, but it’s also the most rewarding and humbling experience that I have the chance and honor of experiencing. Life has been very challenging and difficult lately, and a lot of times, it’s very easy to feel defeated, diminish my self esteem, have self doubt, and lose hope. Sometimes the dark clouds roll in and the storm hits, and you just don’t know when the sun will come back again, and it’s hard amd very scary to brave the thunder and lightning due to the risk of getting hit or blown away. Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up in the air (like you just don’t care..jk..) and give up and just accept that personal happiness is something that wasn’t meant for me. When you become a parent, you sacrifice a lot of yourself for your children, and we often think that as long as they are happy, you are happy. That’s only true up to a certain point. In the end, we are still our own person, and if we ourselves are not happy, deep down in our soul, then how can we possibly be the best we can be for them? There’s a difference between sacrificing for the better of our children and completely losing yourself in your children. I think it’s very important to still be your own self, and have your own life, outside your kids. There needs to be a healthy balance, so that your kids not only see you as their loving parent, but also as a loving person, that would hopefully inspire them to be one day. One day, my kids will grow up and leave the nest, and create their own families, and I don’t want to be lost when that happens.
We face many difficult challenges in our lives, and are dealt with many difficult decisions to make as well. What I do to try to get past those obstacles that life throws at me, is to just think about what kind of person I want Lily to be, what kind of man I want Leo to be, and make my decisions based on that. Lead by example. If I want Lily to be kind, generous, forgiving, patient, and compassionate, then I will be all those things for her so she can witness it and experience it, as her norm. Parenting is a constant battle of patience and testing of the emotions. You have to pick and choose your battles, and ask yourself what do you value more, what’s the lesson you’re trying to teach, what do you want to achieve? I’m no expert, nor am I a perfect parents, but I feel it’s a series of trial and error really haha. So I just have to trust my gut instincts, and hope for the best… Anyways, with everything going on in my life, it’s hard to stay confident in myself. You never know if you’re doing a good job, or the right thing, or doing what’s best for your kids and yourself. However, I’ll look at Lily, and notice the little things she does, her occasion head lean on my shoulder, and hugs and kisses for no reason, and just look at what a kind, compassionate, caring, polite person she is, and that gives me validation that I’m doing something right. When things were getting really hard for me a month or so ago, I got this random message from a stranger who stumbled upon my blog. Below was her first message to me, and then a snippet of an ongoing conversation I had with her via email.
“I just want to thank you for your blog that you post about your son leo. My son also has tetrasomy 18 and i read your blog for motivation to get me through my pregnancy. It gave me hope that my son would make it and that he would be okay. He is now 3 months old and he is doing great and you inspired me to continue on with my pregnancy when the doctors told me he would never make it. 🙂 thank you”
“I think your a hero for choosing to keep Leo and writing about it . . . I am so glad i didn’t listen to the doctor and abort him because he is perfect to me . . . If it wasnt for god & his fathers faith that everything would be okay and with out your blog i might not have had Angel.”
I immediately bursted into tears when I read her message. It was like my soul was revitalized, reenergized, and I had validation from a complete stranger, to keep on being me. I felt incredibly humbled by her words, and it just felt really…good, and amazing, to know that I was able to help someone, and even save a baby’s life. Who knows if I’ve helped anyone else that hasn’t even reached out to me, but wow…I was floored and so happy, that I was able to actually make a difference. I really genuinely want to help people, and I’m so glad that I’m able to with my blog, and documenting my life journey, as well as Leo’s. This gave me a lot of my confidence back, and encouraged me that I’m doing the best I can right now, and to keep on at it. I also received a care package in the mail from a friend, thanking me for all my advice that I gave her last year, when she just had her newborn and things were really hard for her. I was again hunbled by her kind words, and didn’t realize how much I’ve affected her and helped her. I feel very happy that I was able to help and make such an impact in her life. I believe in good karma, and so I will continue to spread the love and care into the world, and hope that this world will be a better place for my kids and myself, because I can make a difference, and you can too! Sounds like a promo ad, but it’s true!
So whatever happens in life, you just have to be true to yourself, and just try to be the best version of yourself possible. I live my life for my kids, but also for myself. I’m the one who has to walk in my shoes, and so I’m the one who has to live with myself. If I’m not happy with who I am, then I try to make myself better so that I am happy, and my happiness, will be reflected on my kids. If your life is dark and miserable, that shadow will cast upon your kids as well, so let the light shine bright and guide you. Kids will bring you so much joy, pain, happiness, anger, frustration, but most of all, love. As for my babies whom I never got to hold, I live the best life I can for them. I can’t teach them anything, or inspire them, or take care of them, because they are already in heaven and don’t need any of that from me. They are the ones who’s actually watching over me, taking care of me, and inspiring me. So as their mother, I plan to be happy, and be a good person, for them, to make them proud. Thank you everyone for all the well wishes, flowers, sweet treats, jewelry, and gifts. I’m definitely the lucky one to have such amazing kids. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there. <3
Leo’s not suffering I swear
Leo’s getting use to Lily’s love…haha
Mommy and Lily selfie!
Mommy with my pride and joys
Angel1’s 2nd Birthday
My Dearest Angel1,
You would have been 2 years old today. You would probably be running all over the place, talking, (and if you’re anything like your big sister Lily) eating all sorts of candy and snacks, and gifting the world with your uniquely wonderful personality. I should be celebrating this momentous day with all my friends and family after spending a good amount of time planning this special day just for you. Instead, weeks, days, and hours before this day, I spent it juggling emotions of sadness, gratefulness, loneliness, humbleness, and grief, to name a few. You should be getting showers of wonderful birthday wishes, comments on how fast you’re growing, how amazing and wonderful you are, and receiving lots of love, surrounded by lots of smiling happy faces. Instead, I might receive one or two “thinking of you” messages, and other supportive related wishes from those who are in tuned with my life, paired up with sympathetic hugs and pep talks. That being said, I’m very appreciative of any support and love I get on this day, but that’s just me, to better cope with my grief. I don’t need a room full of people, fancy party decorations, cake and presents to know how much you mean to me, and I don’t need the world to acknowledge your existence to remind me of how much I love you.
Today though, is for you, so in my heart, I celebrate you. Every year, I will try my best to spend these important dates, doing something that makes me happy, for you, to create some joy that you would have added to my life. I know your soul is watching down on my, so I will make you proud. It’s painful to imagine what you would be like at this age because it reminds me of what I’m missing, and what I didn’t get to experience with you. However, I imagine it anyways and for a brief moment, I smile and my heart feels warm and happy. But soon after, I quickly feel the pain of the dream. In a weird way though, it brings me closer to you, probably because I’m able to feel real tangible feelings for someone I never got to hold. I will never forget you. Happy 2nd birthday my angel, I know you would have created so much happiness in my life, so I wish to make myself and everyone around me as happy as I possibly can, to spread the love you have given me deep in my heart. I love you with my every being.
Love you always,
Mommy
This is a my very special DNA keepsake beaded jewelry that I got made by the super special and talented Kelly from Sacred Legacy Arts. The two outside beads are her memorial beads with the Forget Me Not flower inside it for miscarriages, for those who don’t have anything tangible to represent their lost babies. The green and blue bead has some of Leo’s hair in it, and the purple and pink bead has some of Lily’s hair in it both with gold shimmer. These beads are super special to me, because I am able to literally able carry a part of my babies everywhere with me. I’m so happy I stumbled upon Sacred Legacy Arts, it’s amazing what she does for others, and giving us this opportunity to have such a wonderful keepsake item that means so much more than jewelry to us mommies. Thank you so much Kelly, I will wear it around my neck, close to my heart, always!
My Beloved Luna
Luna’s 8th Birthday
On January 9, 2016, we lost our precious doggie Luna. She wasn’t just a dog to us, she was our first addition to our family. She was one of us, and buried herself deep into our hearts. Luna’s been losing a lot of weight for the past month or so and we didn’t know why, but she was still her happy peppy self. Earlier this week I noticed she didn’t seem to be as happy, and would have moments where she would just throw up and sleep a lot. She would have periods where she’s very energetic but something seemed off, and I felt like she wasn’t ok. On Friday, I noticed her having trouble walking and she wouldn’t eat her food so Khoa took her to the Cottage Pet Hospital right down the street where they kept her overnight with an iv and they did blood work. Saturday morning, they told us that she had kidney failure and it’s been slowly degenerating. The vet said that we couldn’t really have known unless we did constant lab work to monitor her levels, but we wouldn’t have known to do that anyways so they said it’s just unfortunate. They think it’s probably hereditary. Her outlook didn’t look hopeful and she would maybe have about 1 wk left at best…
Luna couldn’t even walk anymore and wouldn’t eat anymore too. She was crashing fast and so we had to make a very hard decision. There was the option of a kidney transplant but the chances of even get a kidney and having it even work and keep her healthy long term was very low. We didn’t want her to suffer anymore and so we painfully decided to let her go peacefully and painlessly. We got to be with Luna for a bit to have our last moments with her, it was very bitter sweet. Lily didn’t quite understand what was going on so she wasn’t really sad. I don’t think she understood that this was a permanent goodbye. She didn pet Luna and took a picture for the last time with Luna and gave her a kiss. She’s really sweet though and sees me crying and being sad, so she would come over and just give me kisses, doesn’t even say anything, but just gives me kisses to make me feel better. It sometimes hurt more though when she does try to help by telling me “Don’t worry mommy, Luna will get better and be like woof woof woof!” So that’s how I know she doesn’t understand that Luna’s not coming back, but it’s very sweet that Lily tries to comfort me. Leo got to give Luna one last hug as well. Khoa and I had our moments with Luna and then Khoa took the kids to the car. 
I stayed with Luna and held her paw, and she looked at me with her innocent eyes while I happened. It was so heartbreaking to watch, but I didn’t look away from her eyes. I wanted her to know that I’m with her all the way to the end, and wanted her to take me with her into her dreams. I couldn’t fight back the tears though, I’ll never forget the scene. Just like that, in a couple minutes, she was gone, to a much better place where she can be free and happy. I imagine doggie heaven is the same heaven that people would go to, so I know Luna is now with my angels, and together they will take good care of each other.
Luna was only a little over 8 years old, she only lived half the potential life span of a Maltese. I knew we would have to say goodbye one day, but I didn’t know it would have been this soon. It was so sudden and shocking, it just happened so fast and came out of nowhere. She was taken too soon from us, but I hope that the time she did have with us, was filled with everything she could ever want. She was our first “baby”, our furbaby, and we loved her dearly even though she was somewhat neglected once lily and Leo came, she was still loved and will be missed greatly. You truly don’t know how much you loved something until it’s gone, because man does it hurt, I really really love her. She was very spunky and quirky, always so happy and in your face with all her love. She was an automatic vacuum whenever food fell to the ground (safe food that is) and I’ll miss her weird taste for cucumbers. I’ll miss her annoying barking every time someone’s at the door or walks by the house, it’s so painful now when the doorbell rings and it’s just silence, I can’t help but break down into tears each time. We adapted our lifestyle to accommodate her, like closing doors to bathrooms so that she can’t get into the trash, and now… That’s not necessary anymore. I walk into the house and there’s no cute little white fur all to say hello to and greet me first thing when I open the door. My couch cuddle buddy is no longer hear to warm up my feet or my side, or be used as a pillow. She can be “special” at times but she was always so cute. 
I’ll miss all the wet puddles she makes on the floor from her dunking her whole face into her water bowl to drink water, and I’ll miss hearing the jingle of her name tag in her collar as she shakes her body and moves about, and I’ll miss tripping over her cause she’s always precariously walking right behind me. I’ll miss hearing the loud crunch of her chewing of her food and I’ll miss her hearing her let out a big sigh when she’s sleeping and dreaming. I’ll miss her big goofy smile with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, her enthusiastic tail wag when I compliment her and give her treats. She was a pretty fast learning at tricks too, my favorite is shaking her hand, her cute little paw. She loves being petted and would push her head under your hand so that you’d pet her. She’ll lay her sweet head on your lap and soak in all your love. She was a big trooper for all the silly Halloween costumes I would get for her, and she was spiked by all the raincoats and sweaters and scarves that I got for her as well.
She was a very sweet and loving doggie, and even when she misbehaves and we get mad at her, we can’t stay mad for long because how can you stay mad at such a cute loving pup. She loved us all unconditionally, and she was so loyal and truly is my furry best friend. She would follow me everywhere, even to the bathroom and would lay right by the shower everyday while I shower. She would comfort me at good times and bad and she was always there whenever I needed a hug. She touched everyone’s heart, not just mine, and I know she will be greatly missed by all. I’m terribly devastated and sad, the heartache is way more painful than I expected. I suppose that’s good because that just shows how much she was truly loved. We love her so much. She’s in a better place now, so for that we are happy. If anyone would like to share their pictures with Luna, feel free to add it to our album HERE (click on “edit”, then “add to album”).
You don’t ever really think about this day when wanting and deciding to get a pet, even though we all knew that we will face this day one day, but now that this day has come, the heartache and pain from this loss makes me want to never have a dog again. That being said, I don’t regret my decision of having a pet, because Luna enriched my life more than I knew. She taught me how to care for another living being, to have responsibility and selflessness. She was always there for me and comforted me and kept me company whenever I needed her. She loved us and gave us the gift of countless fond memories. She was mine since 2 months old. I’m blessed to have her in my life for as long as we could, and I will cherish the memories. Everyone should all give their furry friends a giant hug and kiss every moment they get, because you never know if that moment will be the last. I miss you so much Luna. One day we will all be together again, until then, my angels will take good care of you. I love you Luna, so so much.
Rest in peace my precious Luna
September 20, 2007 – January 9, 2016
Happy 7 Months Leo!
Happy 7 months old my precious Leo! Leo weighs in at 16.15 pounds (11 percentile) and stretches about 26.5 inches long (20 percentile)! Leo is still wearing size 2 diapers but will soon move on up to size 3 probably in a couple weeks, and he has also been upgraded to the size 3 nipple flow! Leo is babbling a lot more these days too, he likes to say “aba baba aaaaaa ummm” haha. He’s very social and likes interacting with us and if you walk away and he’s not done playing with you yet, he’ll say “AHHHH!!” and pout and tell you don’t go and to come back!” How can you leave that cute little face? He also has 2 cute little baby teeth growing on the bottom and he’s starting to drool more due to teething. He’s also sucking on his thumb a lot too because of it, and he makes it look so tasty! Leo still love the floor gym and he recently started playing in the jumper as well. He seems to like it and doesn’t mind staying in it for a long period of time, which is great for his neck strength and seeing the world in an upright position. We plan to start Leo on solids now so stay tune for that update!
Leo’s old teacher from Sunny Days got a new job opportunity somewhere else, so we are sad to see her go, but we got a new teacher Megan! Leo is doing really well with his therapy but will also be getting some extra help with a physical therapist to help with some gross motor skills soon. Leo is really good at rolling over without getting stuck, and he can roll back onto his side too. It looks like he wants to start crawling soon too cause he’ll kick his feet and reach for toys in front of him, it’s really cute! Leo is getting pretty solid at sitting up and can last for a few mins now before tipping over! He is also holding onto his toys a little longer too and shakes his toys a little bit! It’s very amazing to watch him grow and progress. I’m always amazed by him and by my Lily pad, they never stop surprising me!
Two years ago on January 4th, another baby of ours went to heaven. I try my best to live a happy and love filled life for my angels. Leo does not replace what we’ve lost, but he is proof that there is hope and that miracles do happen for he is my rainbow baby. So even though I mourn for my other babies, my heart is full. (30 wks 1 day old) 😍💙🌈✨
Merry Christmas! Leo got to celebrate his first Christmas and he was spoiled with lots of love and gifts! It wasn’t Lily’s first Christmas but I do feel like she enjoyed this Christmas the most, which makes sense since she knows a lot more now and what to expect. One of Lily’s favorite presents this year was the power wheel that I got her, you can see her driving it in the video below like a pro! She’s such a fast learner, I’m so proud of her skills! Leo didn’t know how to open presents yet but he love watching all the festivities and was adored by everyone! I can’t help but get emotional that we got to celebrate the holidays with Leo this year because just a year ago, we were told that this would be impossible. I’m so grateful for my amazing Leo and I feel so blessed and lucky to be able to celebrate all these big and small occasions with my prince Leo (and my princess Lily). You can see more pictures from our Christmas festivities HERE!
Happy New Year 2016!
Video Fun!!
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015
I will never forget my angels and no matter how much time passes by, the pain does not hurt any less. I am able to function and go about my days okay, but on specials like this, I can’t help but feel sad and feel the pain like it was just yesterday. However, I am very grateful for days like this, October 15, because it’s not a day to grieve, but a day to honor my angels, and all the other angels that left us too soon. This day is for them, because they are special, they are loved, and they will always be remembered. 
Now that Lily is older, it’s harder to go about these things without trying to explain to her the purpose of our actions. When she saw the candles, she immediately asked if it’s her birthday. Not wanted to distort reality for her, I said no and that the candles are for mommy’s angels. She didn’t understand and just kept asking if it’s for her birthday. So I just ended up saying that we can sing happy birthday to her if she wants and she can blow out the candles, but the candles are still for our angels. She still didn’t understand who these angels were, but one day she will. Until then, she participated and I let her hold my hand while I lit the candles. Once they were lit, she asked if we can sing Happy Birthday, so we did. Unexpectedly though, during the song, I got overcome with emotion, and couldn’t sing the song without breaking down in tears. My angels never even got to celebrate a birthday, let alone a birth day. I was immediately filled with sadness and the pain flooded my heart like a broken dam. Lily saw me cry and tried to distract me by asking for candy, asking to eat a snack, asking to go somewhere else and do something so that I’m not just sitting there in my sadness. She is very intuitive, but sometimes, I just need those moments to just let it out, grieve, and then breathe again.
Earlier this year and end of last year, for a good while, I thought I’d have to light 3 candles this year for PILR day. I’m so grateful and overjoyed that it’s not the case, and that my precious Leo is truly a dream come true. Just like Lily, he is very special, but my experience with my pregnancy with him, and my journey to get here, makes me feel like he is proof that life is beautiful, and truly amazing. We learn to rise up from our sufferings, and become stronger, and better people. Life is too short, make the most of it and live. I choose to not let my hardships swallow me and pull me into the darkness. Although at times, the darkness does seem safe and comfortable, but it’s not living, it’s just being. I choose to be alive, and shine in the light, and make my angels proud of their mommy, and be the best person I can be for all my children. I dedicate my life to them, but also, to myself. I deserve to be happy, to be loved, and I will do so by loving my loved ones, and being kind and generous every chance I get. This world is not a vicious, cruel and evil place, it’s just filled with many obstacles, and we just need to fight through them and stay in the light.
I am truly grateful, and appreciative, for all the love and support I’ve received on this day. Just a simple act of lighting a candle, for the Wave of Light, can mean so much to a person in grief. This topic of loss is so taboo, and I wish it wasn’t so hush hush all the time. It makes the grieving process that much more painful, to feel so alone and lost. I’m happy that there’s a day like today to bring awareness to such a tragic life experience, but we are stronger together, than a part. It feels nice to belong and to be a part of a community. It’s sad that the commonality is such a heartbreaking event, but it brings comfort to me knowing that all our angels are in heaven, playing with one another. I can’t wait to meet them one day. I miss them terribly, but I will continue to strive, for them. I love you my angels.
Two Years Too Precious To Forget
It’s been 2 years since my heart and world was shattered, and here we are, 2 years later, and my heart is still in pieces. The past couple weeks, I just keep thinking about what was going on 2 years, where my mind was, recollecting all the events leading up to this day… I don’t do it to relive the pain, I do it because I wanted to remember. Some people may think that’s crazy but I know I’m not crazy, I’m just being a loving mommy. I wanted to remember how much hope I had, even after the doctors told me that there was not chance and that I need to schedule a procedure, but I just kept hoping so hard, wishing and praying with all my might, that maybe some how, if I loved my babies so incredibly much, that they will come back to me and live again. Even though I lost them in the end, it was a good feeling to have hope. The hope of still possibly having a future with them, having an amazing life and sharing adventures and memories with them, naively kept me happy until the very end. I think that’s probably what made the 2nd loss more painful, because I knew there wouldn’t be much hope once I found out, and the pain was just so unbearable because I knew that hope this time would not lead to a miracle. The pain was immeasurable, and it will always remain, but I must remember, hope brings courage. I can’t let fear of failure, loss, disappointment, or heartache, prevent me from pursuing my hopes and dreams in life. That courage led me to my amazing prince Leo. Leo is my sweet wonderful rainbow baby. He does not replace my angels, or fill in the broken gaps of my heart from the losses, he brought my new life, and gave me a new heart that is stronger and better than before. My broken heart remains for my angels, not to remind me of my sadness for them but to have them close, and in my heart even if it’s broken. That makes me happy because they will always be a part of me.
As the years go by, it does get easier to live my life as normal as possible, but around these significant dates, I can’t help but feel the pain, just like it was yesterday. It just comes back at random moments, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It makes me feel close to them, and although I’m sad, I’m ok. I think it’s natural to feel that way. They taught me a lot about life, they gave me a new perspective and showed me what really matters. I will try my best to live that life for them, and make them proud.
I designed this ring, as a keepsake I guess, of all my children. The two center stones are Lily and Leo’s birthstones, alexandrite, and their names are engraved on the sides. The two outer diamonds are for my two angels. Lily and Leo’s birth stone is really cool because in certain lighting, it will have a certain color to it. In most light settings the stones will look purple-ish red and then under very iridescent lighting, it’ll look more red, and in natural sunlight it’ll have more of a blueish teal color. I love that it changes colors like that because I feel like my kids will constantly be growing and changing into amazing human beings and it just reminds me how nothing lasts forever, so cherish each moment. However, they do say “diamonds are forever” and so they represent my angels the best. This ring means so much to me, and is possibly my most valued piece of jewelry I own, because I feel like I’ll always have something beautiful to carry with me, that represents my darling loves. I’m so happy that I got this made, and that I can look at it every day, and smile, and think of my kids. This ring is unique, one of kind, and beautiful, just like all four of my children.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please join me in the Wave of Light and light a candle for my angels, and any other angels you may hold dear to your hearts. I am very glad there is a day that is especially designated for them.
Wave of Light
Last year we lit 1 candle, now this year we light 2. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about my angels. They were only here for a little time but they brought a lot of joy and happiness to our lives. They forever changed my life, our life, and I am a better mother, and better person because of them. They taught me so much about compassion and love, and I will be forever grateful for them and how they’ve touched my heart so deeply.
So I invite you all today, on October 15th, to light a candle at 7pm, for at least an hour, and participate in the worldwide “Wave of Light” in observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day. So many people worldwide suffer the pain and loss of their lost babies, and too many do it in silence. The Wave of Light is a way to help spread awareness, to honor our angels, and to support all those grieving, since the grieving never ends, it is a part of who we are now. We will never forget our angels and the love and joy they brought to our lives in the brief time that they were here. I will light my candles for my angels, and all the other angels smiling down on us.
“We quickly find there are no words to describe the experience of losing a child. For those who have not lost a child, no explanation will do. For those who have, no explanation is necessary” ~ Mary Lingle
”The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss… and who have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen” ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
For My Angels
For my angels, a poem by an unknown author with a few modifications:
LET GO
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realisation I can’t control another.To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
It’s been a whole year yesterday since my first angel left us. Instead of filling my day with sadness, I decided to do something to positive in honor of my angels. We got some balloons, and two special balloons for my angels, and I wrote the words “I love you” “my Angels” on the them. I chose yellow for them because they symbolizes pure happiness and are my shining stars. We went to a nice park and sat/laid there on the grass, watching them move peacefully move with the wind. After a moment, it was time to let them go. It was very hard to me, I know they’re just balloons, but they symbolize something much more to me, my angels. I never got to say goodbye, and I never wanted to say goodbye, so it’s just an “until we meet again” instead. It took all my strength to let go of the strings, it felt like a part of me flew away with the balloons, but I know they are flying high to a better place. Although it’s only been a year for my first angel, this was for both of my angels. As I look up to the skies, I know they are smiling down on me. I love you my sweet angel, I always will.
I lastly leave with some really beautiful poems, some by unknown authors, and some modified by me.
TWO ANGELS
Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
“Don’t worry Mommy, we’re right here.It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you, Daddy, & Lily so very much.We know that you love us
and think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
when you think of us you cry.But don’t worry Mommy
There’s so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you.”Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we’ll all be together again
Another time. Another place.AN ANGEL’S KISS
We go through life so often
Not stopping to enjoy the day,
And we take each one for granted
As we travel on our way.We never stop to measure
Anything we just might miss,
But if the wind should blow by softly
You’ll feel an ANGELS KISS.A kiss that is sent from Heaven
A kiss from up above,
A kiss that is very special
From someone that you love.For in your pain and sorrow
An ANGELS KISS will help you through,
This kiss is very private
For it is meant for only you.So when your hearts are heavy
And filled with tears and pain,
And no one can console you
Remember once again…..About the ones you grieve for
Because you sadly miss
And the gentle breeze you took for granted
Was just……… “AN ANGELS KISS”By Peggie Bouse
I REMEMBER YOU
The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn’t bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
“I Remember and I Love You”
3 Months
It’s been 3 months… I found this quote that I feel is very real and true…
I never got to hear you cry, I never got to feel you kick, I never got to hold you close or see you smile, but you will forever be missed. When you love something from the moment it exists in your heart, and it’s taken from you in the blink of an eye, it hurts. Then when it happens again, it hurts even more…
A lot of people I know don’t deal with these situations, thank goodness for that, and from the outside, sometimes you just don’t know what to say. This article is really helpful on what NOT to say, HERE. This article I found is also super helpful on how to help someone who is going through this loss and pain, HERE. Everyone means well but sometimes at a vulnerable state like this, words needs to be express with caution and I think sometimes less is more. A simple hug for me is more than enough. I am lucky to have so many people around me who love and care about me, and I’m blessed to have such a supportive and loving group of family and friends. It was really rough at first, initially I thought I would never recover enough to live again, but motivations like my precious Lily pad woke me up inside and insisted I try to be myself again. It took a while longer than it did the first time around. I was in a deep black hole for a long time, and it took a lot of patience and encouragement from my loved ones to help me see the light again. Khoa was a major part of that. He stayed strong for the both of us, even though I know he was hurting inside as well. He remained my rock, and I am forever grateful and lucky to have him. As time went on, I’m glad to say that I am ok and happy again. I’ll never forget, and I will always bring my angels with me as I continue my journey and adventures in life. Anyways, I love you my angels, thank you for watching over me and your family, we will meet one day, but until then, I will make you proud and live and smile for you.
Hold You In My Heart
It amazing how much I can fall in love with you from just the very second of knowing you existed. My mind was having the time of its life planning out how to make room for you, thinking about when to move Lily downstairs into her new room, picturing you playing with your sister and causing so much trouble together, and imagining our house more full with laughter. For 37 days we loved you and our love for you grew stronger each day, even though I didn’t know that you were getting weaker. Our excitement and joy awaiting, preparing, and planning for you, our second miracle, suddenly got cut short, and in an instant, my angel was gone. How can my heart be filled with so much joy suddenly be filled with so much pain and emptiness? I couldn’t understand why you had to go and I never will. Sadness consumed me when my body was suddenly empty, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried myself to sleep many nights, blamed myself, went into denial that you weren’t really gone, and felt so much pain. It’s now been 19 days since we lost you. I want to let you know that I love you so much and will never forget you. Our tears have been shed not only by us, but by our friends and family, your friends and family. We all have lost you, and we all will miss you. Even though you are gone for now, I feel your soul will come back to us again, and I hope it’s soon. As each day passes, my heart slowly starts to heal. Your daddy and I will never give up, and we will keep trying and hope that we will soon reunite again. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and so tonight we light a candle for you. I first fell in love with you in my womb, and instead of holding you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart.
