Category Archives: Miscarriage
Walk to Remember & Wave of Light 2016
The wonderful organization Forever Footprints puts together a 5k Walk to Remember every year in October (pregnancy and infant loss awareness month), in honor of all our babies who were now in heaven. They have been doing this for maybe 12 years now and this is my first year participating. It was an emotionally driven morning but it was very spiritually strengthening at the same time. They had a very beautiful and emotional memorial service and they called out all the angels names as well and you get a white rose for each angel. There was a memorial wall that had all the names of our angels on it’s well and it was just so amazing to see. 
A talented musician named Peter Brandon wrote and sang the most beautiful song called Brand New Wings in honor of our babies that really touched my heart and made me cry like a baby as well. This was the first time in 3 years that my angels got a memorial service, I don’t know why it took so long, but I finally got the courage to do it, especially with the help of my loved ones. Thanks everyone for all the love and support today at the 5k OC Walk to Remember in honor of my angels and all the other angels out there. I never got a chance to name my babies, I never even got to know their gender, but I always called them Angel1 and Angel2, and so that is their names, I will walk every year for Angel1 & Angel2 Ngo. “We walk the steps they never got to take.” I love you so much my angels, I hope I made you proud!
I love my angels and miss them so much, and on October 15th, we honor them in the Wave of Light. They will always be in my heart with every beat it takes. It’s always bittersweet for me on days like this because I’m sad from the pain and loss I feel from not having my babies here with me, but I know they are in a much better place looking down on me, protecting me and my loved ones, and guiding me through life. The pain never goes away, and honoring my angels is always hard to do, only because it always get swept with emotions. It’s hard for me to keep it together, but therapeutic and when I allow those emotions to come out, it’s therapeutic and I feel connected to my angels. I am so thankful for all the people in my life who lit candles for my angels and honored them with me. I love you my angels, so so much.
Angel2’s 2nd Birthday
(PC: Google Images Joakim Kremer)
My dearest Angel2 Baby,
You would have been 2 years old yesterday…I’m sorry I’m a day late, I did not forget, I never would and I never will. I think about you all the time, not just on special days like yesterday. I’ve been thinking about what wish to give you all day long, but I couldn’t get myself to come up of something that’s good enough for you. I am trying my best to be happy and positive for you, but I find it very hard because I find myself engulfed in the sadness of losing you. As your birthday approaches, I keep telling myself that I’ll be fine this time, and that I’ll be ok. Yet I end up thinking about you, what you never got to be, what I never got to have with you, and it makes me cry. I think about the moment I lost you, because that’s my last moments with you, and the pain instantly floods my heart. Some people are naive and ignorant by thinking I can’t miss someone who was never even here, but for a couple months, you were here, with me, in my womb. All those happy feelings and love that I have for you, that you gave me, that was real and that is what I miss. I miss what I never got to experience with you, I miss all the all the hopes and dreams that I once had for you, I miss you my angel2. It pains me not to be able to celebrate your life you never had a chance to live with you, and it saddens me that my tears are what makes me feel closest to you. However, your love lives inside my heart and I will always feel your love knowing that you are watching over me. I’ll never stop missing you, the pain will never go away, until I finally meet you one day. Until then, I’ll keep missing you, and thinking of you, and loving you. Happy 2nd Birthday my precious angel2.
Love always and forever,
Your Mommy
Angel1’s 2nd Birthday
My Dearest Angel1,
You would have been 2 years old today. You would probably be running all over the place, talking, (and if you’re anything like your big sister Lily) eating all sorts of candy and snacks, and gifting the world with your uniquely wonderful personality. I should be celebrating this momentous day with all my friends and family after spending a good amount of time planning this special day just for you. Instead, weeks, days, and hours before this day, I spent it juggling emotions of sadness, gratefulness, loneliness, humbleness, and grief, to name a few. You should be getting showers of wonderful birthday wishes, comments on how fast you’re growing, how amazing and wonderful you are, and receiving lots of love, surrounded by lots of smiling happy faces. Instead, I might receive one or two “thinking of you” messages, and other supportive related wishes from those who are in tuned with my life, paired up with sympathetic hugs and pep talks. That being said, I’m very appreciative of any support and love I get on this day, but that’s just me, to better cope with my grief. I don’t need a room full of people, fancy party decorations, cake and presents to know how much you mean to me, and I don’t need the world to acknowledge your existence to remind me of how much I love you.
Today though, is for you, so in my heart, I celebrate you. Every year, I will try my best to spend these important dates, doing something that makes me happy, for you, to create some joy that you would have added to my life. I know your soul is watching down on my, so I will make you proud. It’s painful to imagine what you would be like at this age because it reminds me of what I’m missing, and what I didn’t get to experience with you. However, I imagine it anyways and for a brief moment, I smile and my heart feels warm and happy. But soon after, I quickly feel the pain of the dream. In a weird way though, it brings me closer to you, probably because I’m able to feel real tangible feelings for someone I never got to hold. I will never forget you. Happy 2nd birthday my angel, I know you would have created so much happiness in my life, so I wish to make myself and everyone around me as happy as I possibly can, to spread the love you have given me deep in my heart. I love you with my every being.
Love you always,
Mommy
This is a my very special DNA keepsake beaded jewelry that I got made by the super special and talented Kelly from Sacred Legacy Arts. The two outside beads are her memorial beads with the Forget Me Not flower inside it for miscarriages, for those who don’t have anything tangible to represent their lost babies. The green and blue bead has some of Leo’s hair in it, and the purple and pink bead has some of Lily’s hair in it both with gold shimmer. These beads are super special to me, because I am able to literally able carry a part of my babies everywhere with me. I’m so happy I stumbled upon Sacred Legacy Arts, it’s amazing what she does for others, and giving us this opportunity to have such a wonderful keepsake item that means so much more than jewelry to us mommies. Thank you so much Kelly, I will wear it around my neck, close to my heart, always!
