Lily & Leo

Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing mommies out there!  Being a mom is definitely one of the hardest jobs I have, but it’s also the most rewarding and humbling experience that I have the chance and honor of experiencing.  Life has been very challenging and difficult lately, and a lot of times, it’s very easy to feel defeated, diminish my self esteem, have self doubt, and lose hope.  Sometimes the dark clouds roll in and the storm hits, and you just don’t know when the sun will come back again, and it’s hard amd very scary to brave the thunder and lightning due to the risk of getting hit or blown away.  Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up in the air (like you just don’t care..jk..) and give up and just accept that personal happiness is something that wasn’t meant for me.  When you become a parent, you sacrifice a lot of yourself for your children, and we often think that as long as they are happy, you are happy.  That’s only true up to a certain point.  In the end, we are still our own person, and if we ourselves are not happy, deep down in our soul, then how can we possibly be the best we can be for them?  There’s a difference between sacrificing for the better of our children and completely losing yourself in your children.  I think it’s very important to still be your own self, and have your own life, outside your kids.  There needs to be a healthy balance, so that your kids not only see you as their loving parent, but also as a loving person, that would hopefully inspire them to be one day.  One day, my kids will grow up and leave the nest, and create their own families, and I don’t want to be lost when that happens.

We face many difficult challenges in our lives, and are dealt with many difficult decisions to make as well.  What I do to try to get past those obstacles that life throws at me, is to just think about what kind of person I want Lily to be, what kind of man I want Leo to be, and make my decisions based on that.  Lead by example.  If I want Lily to be kind, generous, forgiving, patient, and compassionate, then I will be all those things for her so she can witness it and experience it, as her norm.  Parenting is a constant battle of patience and testing of the emotions.  You have to pick and choose your battles, and ask yourself what do you value more, what’s the lesson you’re trying to teach, what do you want to achieve?  I’m no expert, nor am I a perfect parents, but I feel it’s a series of trial and error really haha.  So I just have to trust my gut instincts, and hope for the best… Anyways, with everything going on in my life, it’s hard to stay confident in myself.  You never know if you’re doing a good job, or the right thing, or doing what’s best for your kids and yourself.  However, I’ll look at Lily, and notice the little things she does, her occasion head lean on my shoulder, and hugs and kisses for no reason, and just look at what a kind, compassionate, caring, polite person she is, and that gives me validation that I’m doing something right.  When things were getting really hard for me a month or so ago, I got this random message from a stranger who stumbled upon my blog.  Below was her first message to me, and then a snippet of an ongoing conversation I had with her via email.

“I just want to thank you for your blog that you post about your son leo. My son also has tetrasomy 18 and i read your blog for motivation to get me through my pregnancy. It gave me hope that my son would make it and that he would be okay. He is now 3 months old and he is doing great and you inspired me to continue on with my pregnancy when the doctors told me he would never make it. 🙂 thank you”

“I think your a hero for choosing to keep Leo and writing about it . . . I am so glad i didn’t listen to the doctor and abort him because he is perfect to me . . . If it wasnt for god & his fathers faith that everything would be okay and with out your blog i might not have had Angel.”

I immediately bursted into tears when I read her message.  It was like my soul was revitalized, reenergized, and I had validation from a complete stranger, to keep on being me. I felt incredibly humbled by her words, and it just felt really…good, and amazing, to know that I was able to help someone, and even save a baby’s life.  Who knows if I’ve helped anyone else that hasn’t even reached out to me, but wow…I was floored and so happy, that I was able to actually make a difference.  I really genuinely want to help people, and I’m so glad that I’m able to with my blog, and documenting my life journey, as well as Leo’s.  This gave me a lot of my confidence back, and encouraged me that I’m doing the best I can right now, and to keep on at it.  I also received a care package in the mail from a friend, thanking me for all my advice that I gave her last year, when she just had her newborn and things were really hard for her.  I was again hunbled by her kind words, and didn’t realize how much I’ve affected her and helped her.  I feel very happy that I was able to help and make such an impact in her life.  I believe in good karma, and so I will continue to spread the love and care into the world, and hope that this world will be a better place for my kids and myself, because I can make a difference, and you can too!  Sounds like a promo ad, but it’s true!

So whatever happens in life, you just have to be true to yourself, and just try to be the best version of yourself possible.  I live my life for my kids, but also for myself.  I’m the one who has to walk in my shoes, and so I’m the one who has to live with myself.  If I’m not happy with who I am, then I try to make myself better so that I am happy, and my happiness, will be reflected on my kids.  If your life is dark and miserable, that shadow will cast upon your kids as well, so let the light shine bright and guide you.  Kids will bring you so much joy, pain, happiness, anger, frustration, but most of all, love.  As for my babies whom I never got to hold, I live the best life I can for them.  I can’t teach them anything, or inspire them, or take care of them, because they are already in heaven and don’t need any of that from me.  They are the ones who’s actually watching over me, taking care of me, and inspiring me.  So as their mother, I plan to be happy, and be a good person, for them, to make them proud.  Thank you everyone for all the well wishes, flowers, sweet treats, jewelry, and gifts.  I’m definitely the lucky one to have such amazing kids.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there. <3

Leo’s not suffering I swear

Leo’s getting use to Lily’s love…haha

Mommy and Lily selfie!

Mommy with my pride and joys