Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

PILR2015

I will never forget my angels and no matter how much time passes by, the pain does not hurt any less.  I am able to function and go about my days okay, but on specials like this, I can’t help but feel sad and feel the pain like it was just yesterday.  However, I am very grateful for days like this, October 15, because it’s not a day to grieve, but a day to honor my angels, and all the other angels that left us too soon.  This day is for them, because they are special, they are loved, and they will always be remembered.  PILR2015Flowers

Now that Lily is older, it’s harder to go about these things without trying to explain to her the purpose of our actions.  When she saw the candles, she immediately asked if it’s her birthday.  Not wanted to distort reality for her, I said no and that the candles are for mommy’s angels.  She didn’t understand and just kept asking if it’s for her birthday.  So I just ended up saying that we can sing happy birthday to her if she wants and she can blow out the candles, but the candles are still for our angels.  She still didn’t understand who these angels were, but one day she will.  Until then, she participated and I let her hold my hand while I lit the candles.  Once they were lit, she asked if we can sing Happy Birthday, so we did.  Unexpectedly though, during the song, I got overcome with emotion, and couldn’t sing the song without breaking down in tears.  My angels never even got to celebrate a birthday, let alone a birth day.  I was immediately filled with sadness and the pain flooded my heart like a broken dam.  Lily saw me cry and tried to distract me by asking for candy, asking to eat a snack, asking to go somewhere else and do something so that I’m not just sitting there in my sadness.  She is very intuitive, but sometimes, I just need those moments to just let it out, grieve, and then breathe again.

Earlier this year and end of last year, for a good while, I thought I’d have to light 3 candles this year for PILR day.  I’m so grateful and overjoyed that it’s not the case, and that my precious Leo is truly a dream come true.  Just like Lily, he is very special, but my experience with my pregnancy with him, and my journey to get here, makes me feel like he is proof that life is beautiful, and truly amazing.  We learn to rise up from our sufferings, and become stronger, and better people.  Life is too short, make the most of it and live.  I choose to not let my hardships swallow me and pull me into the darkness.  Although at times, the darkness does seem safe and comfortable, but it’s not living, it’s just being.  I choose to be alive, and shine in the light, and make my angels proud of their mommy, and be the best person I can be for all my children.  I dedicate my life to them, but also, to myself.  I deserve to be happy, to be loved, and I will do so by loving my loved ones, and being kind and generous every chance I get.  This world is not a vicious, cruel and evil place, it’s just filled with many obstacles, and we just need to fight through them and stay in the light.

PILR2015Candles

I am truly grateful, and appreciative, for all the love and support I’ve received on this day.  Just a simple act of lighting a candle, for the Wave of Light, can mean so much to a person in grief.  This topic of loss is so taboo, and I wish it wasn’t so hush hush all the time.  It makes the grieving process that much more painful, to feel so alone and lost.  I’m happy that there’s a day like today to bring awareness to such a tragic life experience, but we are stronger together, than a part.  It feels nice to belong and to be a part of a community.  It’s sad that the commonality is such a heartbreaking event, but it brings comfort to me knowing that all our angels are in heaven, playing with one another.  I can’t wait to meet them one day.  I miss them terribly, but I will continue to strive, for them.  I love you my angels.

2 Responses to Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

  1. Jennifer says:

    <3 <3 You are never alone. <3

  2. ❤️ To your family and your angels. In tears reading this. I can’t wait to meet your angels in heaven with u someday

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