Monthly Archives: September 2015

Two Years Too Precious To Forget

GoodbyeSunflowerIt’s been 2 years since my heart and world was shattered, and here we are, 2 years later, and my heart is still in pieces.  The past couple weeks, I just keep thinking about what was going on 2 years, where my mind was, recollecting all the events leading up to this day… I don’t do it to relive the pain, I do it because I wanted to remember.  Some people may think that’s crazy but I know I’m not crazy, I’m just being a loving mommy.  I wanted to remember how much hope I had, even after the doctors told me that there was not chance and that I need to schedule a procedure, but I just kept hoping so hard, wishing and praying with all my might, that maybe some how, if I loved my babies so incredibly much, that they will come back to me and live again.  Even though I lost them in the end, it was a good feeling to have hope.  The hope of still possibly having a future with them, having an amazing life and sharing adventures and memories with them, naively kept me happy until the very end.  I think that’s probably what made the 2nd loss more painful, because I knew there wouldn’t be much hope once I found out, and the pain was just so unbearable because I knew that hope this time would not lead to a miracle.  The pain was immeasurable, and it will always remain, but I must remember, hope brings courage.  I can’t let fear of failure, loss, disappointment, or heartache, prevent me from pursuing my hopes and dreams in life.  That courage led me to my amazing prince Leo.  Leo is my sweet wonderful rainbow baby.  He does not replace my angels, or fill in the broken gaps of my heart from the losses, he brought my new life, and gave me a new heart that is stronger and better than before.  My broken heart remains for my angels, not to remind me of my sadness for them but to have them close, and in my heart even if it’s broken.  That makes me happy because they will always be a part of me.

As the years go by, it does get easier to live my life as normal as possible, but around these significant dates, I can’t help but feel the pain, just like it was yesterday.  It just comes back at random moments, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  It makes me feel close to them, and although I’m sad, I’m ok.  I think it’s natural to feel that way.  They taught me a lot about life, they gave me a new perspective and showed me what really matters.  I will try my best to live that life for them, and make them proud.
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I designed this ring, as a keepsake I guess, of all my children.  The two center stones are Lily and Leo’s birthstones, alexandrite, and their names are engraved on the sides.  The two outer diamonds are for my two angels.  Lily and Leo’s birth stone is really cool because in certain lighting, it will have a certain color to it.  In most light settings the stones will look purple-ish red and then under very iridescent lighting, it’ll look more red, and in natural sunlight it’ll have more of a blueish teal color.  I love that it changes colors like that because I feel like my kids will constantly be growing and changing into amazing human beings and it just reminds me how nothing lasts forever, so cherish each moment.  However, they do say “diamonds are forever” and so they represent my angels the best.  This ring means so much to me, and is possibly my most valued piece of jewelry I own, because I feel like I’ll always have something beautiful to carry with me, that represents my darling loves.  I’m so happy that I got this made, and that I can look at it every day, and smile, and think of my kids.  This ring is unique, one of kind, and beautiful, just like all four of my children.

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October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please join me in the Wave of Light and light a candle for my angels, and any other angels you may hold dear to your hearts.  I am very glad there is a day that is especially designated for them.

Happy 100 Days Leo!

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Leo 100 Days

Happy 100 Days Leo!  Leo turned 100 days old last week on the 15th and now he is 15 weeks and a day old.  He weighs about 10.6 pounds.  He’s only gained 0.6 lbs in the past two weeks, very slow progress but I suppose that’s better than nothing.  He has also been having trouble keeping in his food and would throw up a couple times a day, but he’s really sweet and would just give you a smile to let you know he’s ok afterwards.  As long as he doesn’t go under 10 pounds, then he is fine.  Also, he’s been really constipated lately too due to the high calorie formula, so his doctor said 30ml of pedialyte a day should help!  We upped his food a couple days ago so now he should be taking in 105cc at each feeds, that’s about 3.5 ounces.  He smiles so much now, especially when I’m talking to him and playing with him.  He loves any kind of mobiles and would be entertained forever by a spinning or stationary mobile!  He’s very curious and alert and loves to observe everything and just take it all in.  He also started sleeping through the night last week, about 10-13 hours straight, and is doing great as Lily’s new roomie!  She was very excited when I asked her if it’s ok for Leo so sleep in her room and she said Yes and always gives him a kiss goodnight before she goes to bed!  She’s the sweetest big sister ever!  I’m so proud of her.

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Leo 14 Weeks

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Leo 15 Weeks

LeoTummyTimeLeo had his first Early Start therapy session today and he did really great!  His therapist, Amy, start to do some tummy time with him and he did the best tummy time so far!  His head was all the way up and help it for a few seconds several times!  She showed me a couple strategies to help support him and encourage him with tummy time so I’m excited to work with him more on that.  Also, she did some play time with some songs and tested his tracking as well.  She said he tends to tense up his toes and fingers, so she suggest we play with him and do some stretching and certain play activities that she showed me, to help him relax and loosen him up.  I feel like Leo will be in great hands with Amy and I can’t wait to work with her and Leo and watch him grow and develop into an amazing man.  He’s already doing so great, I’m so proud of him!

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Leo with this therapist Amy.

Overall, it was a great first session.  It seems like he is pretty well on track for the most part.  He’s not cooeing as much as but his tummy time is getting there!  It was a little emotional personally for me to have the therapist work with Leo, not because Leo was delayed or anything like that, I just got emotional inside because life is just so crazy.  Even thought I’ve been through the first 3 years of motherhood with Lily, it’s like starting from scratch again with Leo.  I do feel more prepared in certain things but the session today just made me realize how much more I can do, there will always be more that I can do for both of them.  Sometimes I just feel helpless and lost and not knowing what else I can do to help Leo or not knowing that there are all these other things that I can do for him in general.  So having her expose me to all these little activities and exercises definitely gives me hope and so much more of an appreciation for her and the resources available to us.    Parenting will always be hard work, and I’m more than willing to put all my love and effort into giving them the best chance at a wonderful life.  I’m very excited to do whatever I can.  I think that’s the important thing, not just to have the desire but to have the motivation and drive to be a great parent.  The smile on my kids’ faces tells me I’m doing a wonderful job, and keeps me going.

Also, can’t forget about my sweet beautiful baby girl!  We took her to Billy Beez at the Anaheim Garden Walk this past weekend and she loved it!!  She was so excited before we even got there.  We played for about an hour and a half and there were still tons of things she didn’t get to play with yet.  She even passed by an area that had steering wheels and she goes “oh, I didn’t see that yet” haha, so cute!  She’s the joy of my life.  I love her to pieces!LilyBillyBeez

Happy 3 Months Leo!

Happy 3 Months my little prince Leo!  Leo weighs 10.05 pounds now (still under 0 percentile but he’s growing so that’s all that matters) and stretches 22.5 inches long (3 percentile)!  He is growing bigger and stronger each day and he developing into such a bright and happy boy!  Leo is starting to smile more now and is very alert and likes to look at his surroundings and just take it all in.  We are letting him sleep for a 5 hour stretch at night but we will start to let him sleep longer now that he’s gaining a decent amount of weight!  He feeds about every 4 hours, and takes about 95cc per feeding.  He still throws up now and then, especially when we increase his intake, and he takes about an hour to finish his bottle, but lately he’s starting to take maybe 45 mins!  Leo had his hearing diagnostics a couple weeks ago and for both ears, his high and mid tones are normal but he has trouble picking up the low tones.  He has more trouble in his left ear than in the right. LeoSmile1 The doctor thinks it could be due to fluids in his ears that prevents the ear drums from moving properly but they need to check to make sure it’s not nerve damage, and they couldn’t test him at the time since it needs to be super quiet for the test to take place and by the time it came to that portion of the test, he was already awake and feeding (to keep him from shaking the equipment off his head and ears) and the sucking of the bottle was too loud for the test.  So we will come back end of September to see if it’s due to nerve damage or if it’s just fluids.  If it is just fluids then eventually he will be able to hear low tone sounds but the fluids can come back.  If it’s nerve damage then it will be permanent and the low tone sounds will be very soft and hard for him to hear, but it’s not serious enough for him to need a hearing aid.  I think that’s pretty good outcomes!

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Leo 10 Weeks Old

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Leo 11 Weeks Old

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Leo 12 Weeks Old (PC: Phong Truong)

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3 Months Old

Check out these video clips of Leo during his tummy time, making silly faces, and some bonding time with his Ông Ngoại (grandpa)!

LeoSmile2Overall, Leo is doing so great and it makes me super happy!  Sometimes he does a vigorous head shake that’ll be on and off for 10-15 minutes, and after doing some research on the trusty internet (haha), I concluded that it could be due to blockage inside his ears and so it’s probably bothering him and he’s trying to get rid of the annoyance.  I would massage his ears when this happens and he actually calms down so I feel like that could be it.  He is so calm and mellow and happy, it just warms me heart to be with him.  I’ve also met with a case worker from the Regional Center of Orange County and she is setting Leo up with an in-home infant program for babies with special chromosomal needs.  A therapist will be coming once a week for an hour to work with Leo and make sure he’s developing on track.  If he is showing any signs of delays or needs help reaching his development goals, the therapist will work with him to get him to where he needs to be.  Also, if the therapist feels that Leo needs extra help from an occupational or physical therapist, then she will make that recommendation and get that set up for him as well.  This will be great for Leo regardless of delays or not because this will only help Leo become a healthy strong and smart individual!  Leo also went on his first family vacation to San Diego and got to go to the beach and watch his first sunset and he loved it!

Also, Lily is such an amazing big sister to him.  So far, she hasn’t shown any signs of jealousy!  I try to be very conscious about how I treat her when Leo is around and even when other people are interacting with Leo, I try to make sure to give Lily attention too so that she doesn’t feel like everyone is so focused on Leo that we forgot about her.  Whenever she comes home from school, she always asks where her baby Leo is or if she sees him she goes up to him and gives him a kiss!  She’s so super sweet!  She likes to hold him and always asks to feed him and say he’s hungry and needs his milk haha.  She likes to watch us change his diaper and would sit and watch him get a bath too!  She amazes me so much and I cannot be more proud of my precious Lily pad.

Lily also started the new school year at LePort a couple weeks ago.  She is really cute and wants to bring her baby Leo to school with her too, so I thought it would be cute to take this picture with Leo inside her backpack haha.  Lily also made a new friend at school, a new student named Zoey and her teacher Ms. April says they’re inseparable!  That’s really cute that she can make friends so easily.  She’s still such a happy and spunky little toddler.  She talks so much now and speaks in complete sentences, it’s like she’s a tiny person!  You can read some of the super cute and clever things she says HERE.  She understands everything I say and hears everything too.  She’s always paying attention so its harder to get things past her, she’s definitely a smart cookie!  She loves to draw, paint, color, and do all sorts of arts and crafts.  I feel like she’s definitely my mini me!  Haha!  She also likes to paint her nails, wear hair accessories, dresses (no pants!), and is very into sandals now since she sees us wearing them all the time.  She also still loves minions, she likes to play in her kitchen and make me a “special lunch”, play with play doh and now legos!  She also likes to play with her toy cars and guns as well!  So well rounded!  Her favorite shows are the moment are Masha and the Bear, Octonauts, Dragon Tales, How to Train a Dragon, Cinderella, Wreck it Ralph, and the Minions Movie!  She has moments where she’ll be very good at eating but then other moments where she hardly eats.  She’s so easily distracted at home but when we do go out, she tends to be better at eating, probably because there’s no toys to play with haha.  I love you my Lily pad, you are so wonderful and amazing, you light up my life!  Happy 3 months Leo, you are such an amazing little fighter, I love you so much!
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Here’s a couple videos of Lily being a wonderful big sister burping her baby brother and then another video of her at Target, and then one of our fun at the pool together!